The Misconception of Real Leadership and Its Effects On Marriage


Being a leader means being an effective manager also therefore, a complete leader must possess leading and management skills. Men are called to be the head of their home. What this means is that men have been majorly assigned the task to manage their family but they have not been able to achieve much success in their relationship with women due to their inability to find out about who they really are.

Traditionally, when we talk of leadership, it is more about influencing people to change or define their direction through their ways of life or by mentorship and it usually does not require any close relationship between the leader and the followers. In other words, leading can be shown at a distance by anyone. Real management has always been about managing people so it is usually done in relationship with people directly. In managing people, there is a stronger connection between the manager and his team members. This is the part most men have been missing – the management part.

A good example is the leadership model of the president of a country. The president is the highest order of leadership while councilors and mayors are the lowest level of authorities. The president is not closely associated with his citizens but he can lead them from anywhere. The councilors are much closer to the communities and relates with them directly which makes them the managers.

I would like to point out here that men need to start understanding being a husband is a whole lot demanding. They need to start learning that being the head means they have to be very effective, not only in their workplace, but also in their relationships. Being an effective leader means they have to be able to employ effective management skills and use them productively in their family. It means they have to endeavor to learn the tools to improve their relationship just as they have been enhancing their corporate and business skills by learning the tools to be better with their jobs and businesses.

Borrowing from the leadership concept of Late Dr. Myles Munroe, as the manager and head of the family, you should be able to clearly identify vision and ambition. A true vision is to benefit not only you, your wife and children, but your generations to come. While an ambition is only what you aim to achieve personally when you are still alive, visions will remain alive when you are dead. This is why mentorship is a very vital tool in leadership. It is both parents’ responsibility to mentor the kids about life and its challenges but the man has much role to play in this aspect especially in the area of leadership and business management. The kids are the carrier of their parents’ legacy so they need to be guided and mentored to carry on the legacy laid down for them when their parents are no more. The purpose of a leader is not just to identify a vision but it also requires a proper fine-tuning of the vision and to have a blueprint that will be transferred to the newer generations of leaders.

It makes more sense to call employees or the followers of a leader his teammates because in actual fact, without his teammates he can’t be an effective leader. To be an effective leader you must be able to lead and manage your teammates well. The reason women are so much clamoring for gender equity is that a lot of men have misplaced their true relevance in their relationship with women. They have not been effective leaders and as a result of this, women see the need to challenge the status quo which makes them courageous followers. Women are standing up for their belief and promoting it upwards. This is exactly how Martin Luther King, Gandhi and Nelson Mandela showed leadership. They stood up to what they believed in and challenged their leaders – government. These men were also courageous followers who fought for what they believed in which is fairness.

Men should see the cry for gender equity from women as a reason and sign that they are not doing so well as the leader and they should stop at nothing to work on themselves to enhance their relationship with their spouse.

This brings me to the role of men as managers in their marriage. A man is meant to

  1. Motivate and communicate in order to mold his family into a cooperative team and to convey information continually up, down, and around his family: As the man of the house, men should also perform a spokesperson role when they represent their family to outsiders. They are required to speak on behalf of their family. This role can also be played by the wife. However they do it, they must always understand the importance of speaking in one voice.
  2. Develop his children by training them and supporting his wife: His wife and children are his primary resources that can be drawn upon when needed so he should do all he can to sustain them.
  3. Manage resources Men have to make sure their family has the resources they need to survive, while at the same time making sure they save enough by not overspending or wasting resources.
  4. Be an important and supportive team member: A man must always be there for his family, no matter the circumstances. He is to provide moral and family support in whatever capacity he can.
  5. Must always be open to dialogue with his wife and kids and provide their emotional and material needs.

In a nutshell, leading and management are two components of effective leadership thus men should borrow from this leadership concept and apply it in their relationship. They need to get rid of the dictatorship or tyrannical ways of running their family affair to better engage their spouse, to show them more respect by conveying the impression that they are teammates, not slaves or servants.

A man must seek to discover who he really is because a lot of men are lost when it comes to understanding their role in their relationship with women. Men should learn to use all their leadership attributes effectively and productively. A true leader is not a tyrant or dictator but a diplomat. He dialogues and listens and he is not afraid to embrace change.

We often do not pay attention to what nature is trying to let us learn when issues arise. Nature has always had a way of revealing things to us and making us know what we need to do to achieve a fulfilling and rewarding relationship, we just don’t pay attention and this leads to failure in our relationship.

There is a lot of responsibility that comes with leadership so being the head of the family is going to be very demanding. It requires efficient relationship management skills but until we understand that effective leadership is a role which is different from the traditional leadership and adopt effective management skills, we will never be an effective husband.


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